Social anxiety hits a lot more of us than I think many presume. I never even realised I had a mild form of it until someone pointed it out – I’m not terribly socially anxious but it prevents me from doing a lot of things. When I look at how I am right now; 18, finished college, taking a gap year and sat at home, in my bed, alone, it strikes me how much it can affect people.
The main part I hate about it is my consequential inability to make friends. I have real friends, sure, but they live a way away, and when I see them online, they’ve got their other friends to hang out with which, I’m totally okay with. It’d be selfish to expect them to not have friends.
But someone I wonder if they look at me and think ‘why hasn’t she got any photos of her with friends?”. My Instagram is basically friend devoid. It’s pictures of my home, cafes I sit in before work, and flowers. I have about three selfies every month. My Facebook is pointless statements thought up on the fly when sat at home, alone.
My best friend has another best friend. And I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with that. When your best friend gets another best friend, all you can think of is that they’ve replaced you. You’re no longer worthy to be their best friend. I’ve already demoted myself, honestly, even though I know it’s because they live close – in the same town, even.
Being constantly afraid of being judged on how I speak, look, act, eat in front of others, etc, has impaired me from making real connections. I feel safe at home, sure, but sometimes I see pictures of other people and think ‘I want that. I want to be able to text someone and have them understand me truly and deeply. I want to be able to call them up at 3AM and have a heartfelt conversation; to be able to sit in McD’s and complain about shit.”
But when you’re consistently worried about meeting up, talking in front of strangers and how you are seen as you breathe, talk and eat (I don’t ever like to have anyone see my side profile as I smile) it sort of gets draining and lonely and you eventually call it off.
Even though you don’t want to.
I have friends, but I’m scared I’m going to spend my gap year completely alone. I like privacy, but being alone and friendless scares me even more. I think my parents are worried for me, honestly. And I don’t want them to worry.
This is a mess of a post and is literally my jumbled feelings. I’m so sorry for shitposting on your evenings guys.